As parents, grandparents and other seniors age, we expect many things to change, like hair color, eyesight or hearing. These are things most spouses, children and grandchildren are prepared to deal with. But when memory impairment and other health disorders enter the equation, it is an almost impossible job for any person to handle by themselves. The role of the full-time caregiver can be very isolating and lonely. No one knows that struggle better than Donald Zoller. His wife is a memory care resident of Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco, and he is dedicating his life to creating an open and educational dialogue about caregiving and dementia. In fact, he recently published a pamphlet entitled “Alzheimer’s and Dementia…This Ugly Disease: A Caregiver’s Journey Into Pain, Anguish and Hope”. In his own words, he discusses the challenges and realizations that are part of deciding that your loved one needs a higher level of care in an assisted living and memory care community. His words are especially powerful around the holidays, when family members reunite and may realize it is time to consider an assisted living or memory care community.
“I made a vow to my wife when we got married that I would be there, no matter what,” said Zoller. “I think at first many spouses think they’re breaking that vow when they decide to find help with the care of their husband or wife. I had to ask myself ‘What is the loving thing to do for my wife?’, and now, I don’t see it like that. I see the extra help as a way to improve her quality of life and give her a higher level of care which I am unqualified to provide. In Beverley’s new living environment, I still care for her needs, but much of it is done through the hands of a professionally trained staff. I am honored that Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco keeps copies of my pamphlet on hand for families to use a tool.”
Zoller became a full-time caregiver for his wife about five years ago when she was diagnosed with a form of dementia. Many of Beverley’s family and extended family members also had memory impairments, and due to its genetic nature, looking back, Donald estimates he began seeing warning signs of this disease in Beverley as early as her 40s. Zoller is using his pamphlet as a tool to help other caregivers and families find understanding during a hard time.
As a caregiver, Zoller knows that caregivers have to realize when it is time to ask for help from others, which was hard for him to admit. First, he had to realize that he was in over his head, which happened through a conversation with his family, and then he had to find the right people to help Beverley and himself find a new path to take. At that time, the Zollers had just moved to the Frisco Lakes active adult community. He quickly found a team who could care for Beverley full-time just a few miles away at Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco. Next, it was time for Donald to receive the support he needed. He began attending a caregiver support group at Frisco Lakes designed to bring caregivers together to provide an environment for them to share what is going on in their lives and receive guidance and words of encouragement from fellow caregivers.
“Support groups are some of the most beneficial tools I’ve found for myself and other caregivers,” said Zoller. “They help to build up community among all kinds of caregivers and help people who are in the same situation you are in and offer guidance. It shows other caregivers that there is hope, support and a place to go for help when they need it. ”
“Making health decisions on behalf of a loved one is always difficult, and we understand the many concerns and considerations families take into account in determining the next step in their journey together,” said Cleta Brock, executive director of Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco. “Donald’s pamphlet provides valuable first-hand understanding of this situation, and his perspective is extremely helpful to others facing the same decisions.”
Because Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco understands that caregivers have such a challenging role in their loved one’s care, it would like to extend its help to the caregiving community at large by creating a caregiver support group in the new year. Zoller will help lead the group, which will be open to the public.
In the meantime, Zoller and the staff members at Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco have several tips that could assist families over the holidays and beyond. Families might see signs that their loved ones need more assistance, but they may not know what that means.
Here are some questions family members can ask themselves about their loved ones:
- Is your loved one able to complete tasks she could last year on her own, like cooking her signature dish without error?
- What was her condition just six months ago? What does that look like compared to today? Where do you think she will be six months from now, and will you still be able to care for that person on your own then?
- Does she have trouble thinking through a sequence of steps, like driving directions or getting ready in the morning?
- Does she have difficulty managing daily living activities, like medications, shopping or laundry?
- Are there changes in appearance, like noticeable weight gain or loss, hygiene habits, frailty or inability to maintain appearance as was possible previously, like shaving, make-up or hair styling?
Mustang Creek Estates of Frisco looks forward to being a resource for the public and welcomes any questions. If a member of the public would like a copy of Zoller’s pamphlet, please contact Mustang Creek Estates at 214-872-4242.